drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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