there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
