This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
