I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
