drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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