bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
