I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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