I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
