i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
