If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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