We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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