Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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