How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
