Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
