It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
