She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this boner is exhausting
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
