i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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