Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
