He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
