dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
