i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
