well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
