Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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