I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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