I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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