So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
