I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
