you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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