i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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