Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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