I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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