He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
