There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
