Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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