If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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