She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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