Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
