he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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