btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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