Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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