Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
