my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
