Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
