So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
