put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
