textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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