So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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