I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
