You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
