Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
